One great activity is to replace the word “conversation” with “sex” in facebook wall posts.

For example:

“Thank you, [name], for the beginnings of deep sex.

You are a philosopher.

I’m always down for such sex as we had wherein I was able to determine simply that having them with you was indeed a sound time investment on my end. So, if you determine similarly on your end… seriously, *any time*.”

Weight: Unknown as have no scale.  Alcohol Units: 2. Calories: thousands.

Mark Darcy now ideal man b/c of wit, smarts, and propensity to hit wankers.  Also barrister. Must remember to avoid alcoholics, workaholics, peeping-toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits and perverts.

Smart, Funny, Sensitive, yada yada.  We all have standards, of some sort.  The question is, is there ever a point in which your standards are too high?

Answer: No.

Please do.

This goes for both guys and gals. But to save some energy, I’m just going to assume that you’re a straight male and choose pronouns accordingly.

So you’ve been friendly with a girl, and she seems pretty cool, but you’re beginning to suspect that she wants to be more than just friends, and you just aren’t interested. Do the girl a favor and put her out of her misery. The sooner you do it, the less awkward it’ll be. And don’t wait until she spills her guts all over your shoes.* I’m talking preemptive strike. If she asks you if you want to hang out sometime, well, there’s your opportunity. In as light and casual a manner as possible, accept her invitation but confirm that you’re just going as friends, that it’s not a date or anything (ha ha). If you were right about her interest, she’ll probably be a bit flustered but doesn’t want things to be awkward any more than you do and will probably laugh it off to save face. If you’re wrong, great! It’s better to be safe than sorry, right? Either way, if she’s got any kind of brains, she’ll appreciate that you’re a nice and straightforward guy.

Now, if you’ve caught yourself a really shy one,** then finding an opportunity to definitively crush her heart is probably not the way to go, as she’s never going to act on her impulse to confess her undying adoration.*** Instead, just be aware of your behavior around her. Try not to make eye contact with her too frequently. Avoid standing or sitting next to her. Don’t initiate conversations with her. If you become involved in conversation with her, be cordial, but do not appear too interested. If she gets really brave and attempts to engage you in conversation online, reply in a friendly but terse manner and make your escape as soon as possible. Hopefully she’ll get the message. Whether or not you are successful in your attempts to ward her off, her affection will fade with time- these techniques are just intended to expedite the process.

Now get out there and break some hearts!

*For the love of God, not mandals. You and I both know you’re not getting any ass wearing those things.

**symptoms: Gazing longingly from a distance and averting her eyes when you happen to catch her, clamming up and turning strange colors in your presence, and- if she’s really bold- sitting near you so she can pretend not to be gazing longingly up close. Watch out, boys- you may think of yourself as utterly undesirable (you may, in fact, be utterly undesirable), but there’s probably some stranger out there who’s attracted to you. Never underestimate the power of Berkeley vision.

***But no guarantees she won’t chloroform you and take her back to her place.

No, this isn’t going to be about Communes, nor is it about some place called Ica and definitely not about another mythical object called tion. This post is all about COMMUNICATION. This is THE most important aspect of any relationship whether its just beginning, or if its been going on for a while. Communication is the foundation next to trust/dependability.  I know, you’re thinking “huh? can you communicate that again?”. Okay, I will. Read on.

As Dickens would say, let’s begin with the beginning. Put simply, you like a girl. She’s just right for you…you know it…but does she? Let’s briefly recap a few major things you can do to show her you like her without making a fulll…i mean fool of yourself.

1.) You look at her in the eyes, and pay attention to what she says.

2.) you take an interest in what she says, or does (like hobbies).

3.) If you’re in a group or what not, you make it a point to stick to her for longer periods of time. The key here is to develop an intimacy…like, have jokes that only you two understand. This creates a unique connection that exists between you two. It’s not a deal breaker, BUT it is a start in the right direction.

4.) look at the posts below

Anyway, you are now at the point where you’re pretty sure she’s gotten the hint that you like her. And youre pretty sure that she likes you. What next? Before you grow a pear …i mean…a pair and ask her out, you want to be sure about her interest. So, ask her to coffee or what not so that she knows that you want to spend time with her alone. When choosing what to do, make sure that its something that its clear you’re meeting up for the sake of spending time together. Inviting her to something like a talk doesn’t always signal a specific interest in her; it just says “let’s be friends with similar intellectual interests”. Sometimes it can say something more..but it’s very ambiguous and the last thing you want to be doing is confusing her of your intentions!  A coffee says “the only reason why I’m setting this time aside is to be with you”, which is a far better signal to send.

If you’ve gotten the hang of this, and you’ve been out a few times, make sure to….COMMUNICATE. Communicate what? well…the following:

1.) that you like her. Tell her  fairly early so that she knows that what she has in mind matches what you have in mind. this helps her (and you) feel more secure and stable about where your dating is going. Most importantly, it wont lead to situations where one person thinks you’ve been out on friend dates and the other thinks they’re…well..romantic dates.

2.) stand close to her, and after the first date (if it went well) break the touch barrier. This involves touching her arm lightly, standing close when walking with her, putting your hand on her shoulder, lightly touching her hands, moving hair out of her face, pretending to get something off of her face or hair. BUT NO  CHEST (duh!), LOWER WAIST, GLUTEIUS MAXIMUS and stuffff.

4.) Make eye contact!

5.) Be the initiator as much as possible. Go out of your way to do things for her/with her. The more simple, the better because simple things (like going for a walk or coffee) say your primary interest in the activity is her. And what better way to show this by initiating activities? When you can’t meet, call her just to say “hey”. And follow up on what she’s told you before. Little things make the biggest difference. Well..heh, in MOST cases .

6.) Don’t be a jealous freak if another guy is talking to her.  And show that you’re very flexible (not just physically)…in other words, there is no pressure. Just be understanding, and easy going. This will put her at ease. This is important because girls analyze EVERYTHING and worry about it. Therefore when a guy is easy going, and applies no pressure about little things, it makes her feel comfortable with you.

Anyway…that’s all folks!

Good luck!

So, you try talking this person, and they end up edging away. RE-JECT-ED! “Why?” you ask yourself. Well, use our helpful tree to find out the most probable reason you were turned down.

Trim them.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mandals

Sandals, particularly of the leather strappy european nature, worn by russian, gay, or fashionably misled men.

His mandals match his man purse.

Umm you should call?  Well for some guys it’s not just that simple.  I mean, there’s a lot that goes into this.

1.) When should you call?

Call within the first two days after you get her number. Try calling the next day..if you can’t call the second day. Just wait at least 24 hours so you don’t seem desperate/grabby. Of course, this is just a general rule of thumb and you should try to wade in the water and think about the specific situation. ( I don’t mean go into a pool of water and think..)

2.) and when you call, what should you say?

State your name, and ask her how she’s doing. Let her know that you’ve enjoyed your conversations together and would like to get to know her better. Then ask her if she’d like to join you for coffee or tea some time.

The first unofficial date should be something casual. A dinner screams “let’s get seeerious NOW!” You should start out walking before you start sprinting. A coffee says you’re interested and want to get to know each other better. If your coffee unofficial date works out nicely and you have good chemistry, you can go ahead and ask her to dinner.  At your coffee unofficial date, make sure to listen to what she says to you. A sign of a good listener is eye contact, commenting on what she says, and building off of it. Ask questions of clarification. If you’re just joking around for most of the time, try to make some sort of inside joke between you two, or tell her something fairly personal about yourself that’s funny. Why? Instead of making  jokes that anyone can understand, trying to make inside jokes or sharing personal funny stories helps build a deeper connection between the two of you without it being too mushy.

How do you phrase “can i take you to dinner?” ? well, just say “can’ then “i” then “take”…just kidding. Start out by explaining your impressions of her (don’t get too mushy; just say something casual). For instance, you should hit the following points: 1.) you have a lot of interesting things to say  2.)you want to spend more time with her 3.) then insert your direct dinner invite here.

The importance of saying you enjoy talking to her takes it to a deeper level. It’s more than, “Damn, you good lookin’. I gotta be yo man.” It lets her know you see her for who she is, and you’re intrigued by whats underneath the exterior. Relationships are all about drawing personal connections. The earliest part of a relationship where you’re just exploring whether or not its going to launch are the most crucial becuase its the main decision making time. If you believe you two have a chance and she doesn’t she has no obligation to try to make it work. So first impressions are important. Be attentive. Be a gentleman. Open the door for her. Stand up and greet her when she comes to sit next to you. Ask her details about her life, and remember them and follow up later. These little things add up.

BIG FAT DON’T: DO NOT ENGINEER “THE PERFECT GUY” PERSONALITY. THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A RELATIONSHIP IS HONESTY. IF THERE IS NO HONESTY FROM THE BEGINNING, THE RELATIONSHIP IS A FAILURE…BECAUSE IF SHE FALLS FOR “THE PERFECT GUY PERSONALITY” YOU MADE UP, THEN WELL, SHE NEVER FELL FOR YOU.  JUST BE HONEST, AND YOURSELF. THAT’S WHAT GIRLS WANT.

3.) What if you’re just looking for something short term? What if you like her but you don’t want to marry her?

Well, here’s the thing. You don’t know what the future holds. You might look at a girl and think she’ll be an awesome girlfriend but you don’t want anything serious. Maybe you just don’t ever want anything serious..you want to be a mover not a keeper. Ask yourself, what if I fall for this girl? No, I don’t mean “what if i get a boner for this girl”. I mean, “Fall in love”.  Love as in, you would be with her no matter what. This means, you end up wanting a long term relationship. So before hand, always make sure you prepare for the future…which most of the time is unknown and full  of twists and turns.

If you don’t want a long term relationship, period then you need to be straight forward about this early on. Just say you want to take everything one step at a time and don’t want to worry too much about years from now. Be honest about how you feel. That’s the best I can say.

STAY toooned.

Just grow a pair and ask her out.